We here at Faith & Heritage take an extensive interest in the world we reside in, and the diversity of the many peoples that compromise it. We find it edifying to get a first-hand view of their enlightened opinions on a myriad of subjects. Hence, when our intrepid correspondent managed to procure an interview with self-described ‘Amazonian Pulverizer of the Oppressocracy’ Astarte Hemlock, 23, somewhat female, cisethnically Caucasian, and a congregant in good standing of Eugene, OR’s Church of the Purple Ampersand from Uranus (a heterodox sect of Universalist Pantheism), we were naturally delighted. The following is a direct transcript of that conversation, which took place in some building on the University of Oregon campus named after Martin Luther King.
F&H: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss…or is it Mrs…or would you prefer Ms. Hemlock?
AH: We’re not even thirty seconds into the proceedings, and already you’re transposing your normative prejudices upon my unwilling embodiment??? I reject all such hindrances to my self-aggrandizement!!! Save your labels for a piece of patriarchal farm equipment in an insensitive museum! I will say this once, and only once: I prefer to be referred to as ‘ambidextrously matrixsexual’, and my personal personal pronoun is a unicorn. Copyright pending on both. For the purpose of clarity though, I will condescend to be referred to as ‘you’ during our session. Do I make myself clear?
F&H: Very clear. And may I say how thrilled I am to be spending my weekend doing this, when I could have gone fishing instead.
F&H: It’s a failing of mine. My goodness! I can’t help but notice you have more ink than the scribes’ tables at the Congress of Vienna! Perhaps you would care to explain to some of our readers what some of your tattoos represent?
AH: Certainly. Much of my bodily art consists of what my modification artiste Rene calls the ‘enlightened starter kit’ – ying-yangs, barbed wire bracelets, Chinese symbols for dew, the logo for Oprah’s network. Things of that nature. I do have some more ornate designs, though. On my chest I have a representation of the Temple of Diana at Ephesus, which I bet you didn’t know was one of the seven wonders of the ancient world – it’s only half completed, though. I’m hoping to be able to get it finished when my student loan comes in next semester. These pockmarks on my arms are where I had hallucinogenic mushroom spores from Kashmir implanted – I hope to have a delectably trippy statement growing out of my bicep within a week. Umm, let’s see – I have Sacco on my left buttock, and Vanzetti on my right. Oh, and I have a full-scale reproduction of a Jackson Pollock drip painting on my back – which I have found also can double as the scars of the slavemaster’s whip, which comes in really handy during Black History Month. Neat, huh?
F&H: So neat that June Cleaver would give it her seal of approval. I also admire your magneta- and zebra-stripe dyed crewcut. I haven’t seen that style since Grace Jones stopped appearing in James Bond films.
AH: Huh? Was that like in the 50s?
F&H: Close enough for government work. So let’s talk a bit about how you got to be the person you are today. What was your early home life like?
AH: Stiflingly proletarian. My mother was content to be little more than a robotic baby-factory over the course of her pathetic existence. She had me and a bunch of Precious Moments figurines. She kept the latter on her knick-knack shelf, so she could flaunt her disgusting breederthink to the world at large. My dad was a prototypical crypto-fascist – he was literally Hitler! He amassed a yuge amount of white privilege out of his ruthless exploitation of the downtrodden, who were too enfeebled by their peonage to put up any kind of meaningful resistance. He owned a Subway franchise at the strip mall, and he hired Latinos to run it. They tried to put on a hypocritical liberal facade – voted straight Democratic since 1992, sponsored an orphan in Djibouti who was later convicted of cannibalism, loudly exclaimed ‘Well, isn’t that nice!’ whenever they saw a black-white couple walking down the street. But they couldn’t fool me! To this day, I have severed all ties with them forevermore, except when I need a new iPad or when my Prius needs an oil change.
F&H: Truly was it said, ‘Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.’ Which leads to a followup question that I suppose is pretty dumb, but was yours a Christian household?
AH: Oh, we had an NIV Bible laying around we used as an impromptu scrapbook to press snapshots of our various pets, and my old reactionary Jehovah’s Witness grandmother used to do a lot of Godsplaining to me about how crosses were evil – she used to leave Watchtower tracts that smelled vaguely of air freshener all over our house just to piss my dad off. Past that, no, not really. And thank Gaia for that! Haven’t I been microaggressed enough in my life without having the religion of slaveowners and Donald Trump foisted upon me???
F&H: Pearls before swine…
F&H: Mission accomplished, then. Clearly, though, you are a passionate and dedicated young humanoid. And clearly, you are making your presence felt, in the same manner as a pool cue upside the head in a Hell’s Angels bar. What, precisely, drove you to a life calling in activism?
AH: After a two-year stint in the army, I emerged infuriated at a world where MRAs had a platform, where the voices of CAFABs and CAMABs are silenced, where XJQs don’t have a safe space, where my opinions are greeted with ‘LMAO’ or ‘STFU’, and, worst of all, where schools don’t offer doctoral degrees in abbreviation immersion. Bertrand Russell once said, “All it takes to solve all the problems of the world is a child’s yell, provided it is loud and persistent enough.” I believe he was ninety-seven at the time – it would have been at about the same time he got into the habit of making imaginary phone calls to Fidel Castro, angrily demanding he get his giraffes off the lawn – and I have made that my guiding principle. To that end, I enrolled at the University of Oregon, primarily because there is a state law requiring every activist booth set up on campus to come equipped with a Starbucks franchise. I decided to major in general studies, with a minor in ‘occasional class on queer film or the history of lynching in America’, and here I am today, stirring the pot like Chef Boyardee! Besides everything else, the pay isn’t half bad either.
F&H: Pay? You get paid? This isn’t an extracurricular activity?
AH (under her breath): Oh, kek. The cat’s out of the bag.
F&H: How much do you get paid for all this?
AH: Listen you [expletive deleted] neo-misogynist and lackey of Pinochet! You can ethnocentralize your verbal violence against me until you puke in your [expletive deleted] Confederate beard, but some night when you’re off your guard I’ll come up to you with a selfie-stick and shove it up your [much expletive, deleted with extreme prejudice]
***At this juncture, the subject had to retreat into a broom closet and color in her Kung Fu Panda 3 placemat from Golden Corral until she was sufficiently composed to continue. Two hours and forty five minutes later, things resumed.***
F&H: I think by now we’ve gotten an excellent sense of who you are. I’d like to get a sense of your views on the specific hot-button issues of our time now, if I may. Let’s begin with, oh…Islam. Go!
AH: It is the religion of peace, the spirituality of such non-threatening penis-possessors as Aladdin and Ali Baba, and I think it’s appalling that the Euro-xenophobes allowed all those distraught Syrian refugees to reach sanctuary in leaky boats when they could have flown them all over on magic carpets instead.
F&H: This presents an interesting paradox. As I’m sure you’re unaware, Islam is about as ‘patriarchal’, to use your terminology, a religion as you can get. Yet you SJWs insist on bringing the lot of them over to these and other white shores. Isn’t this an example of a logical fallacy?
AH: Dude, what is your ‘logic’ but yet another social construct erected by dead white Greeks who had some marble left over after they got done building the Leaning Tower of Pisa….or something like that. Whatevs! Who cares? The point is, I’ll have you know there’s a simple solution to that! I and my fellow twisted sisters will sleep with every Muslim that settles here! Once we have them in our power, we’ll be able to change their characters, and they’ll be attending Lollapalooza in short shorts in no time!!!
F&H: Well, I’m not convinced that’s a feasible option. Even Oprah said thinking you’re going to change a man doesn’t work.
AH: With all due respect, that’s not her area of expertise. Stedman has been very, very good to her over the years.
F&H: How about immigration in general?
AH: Borders are arbitrary lines drawn on maps by racist cartographers. The only thing that has kept the mocha-tinctured peoples of the world down for centuries has been their lack of educational opportunities. And because ogres like you and my dad are too cheap to ever spend a penny on a multitrillion-dollar reparation apology scheme, it’s only fair that we bring them over here so that we can have wizened and understanding Jewish professors do some serious Emancipationsplaining to them. Did I mention how much I hate my dad? One time he talked me out of self-identifying as an Indonesian hermaphrodite because he thought if I checked that off on the census form, the IRS might get wind of it! The fiend!!!
F&H: That’s fascinating. But you mentioned Jews. I’m assuming your impression of them is also favorable?
AH: Of course! Who do you think signs my paychecks? Oh damn…..
F&H: Well, never mind. Need I even ask your stance on homosexuality?
AH: It is the triumph of love over gender artificiality, a transcendent freedom over stodgy conventionality, the purest form of communication humankind has yet devised, and a very effective means of birth control. Transgenderism is even more ennobling. We all have the right not to be mocked by yucky appendages that Nature mistakenly bestowed upon us when she took too much Fentanyl one night. Homophobia is a relic of the Nazicentric Middle Ages, and anyone who preaches such hatred needs to be broken on the rack and to have his tongue ripped out with a red-hot pair of pliers.
F&H: You began this interview with a declaration of your own ambidextrous matrixsexuality. Do you have any insights as to why degenerates automatically have to tell you what their aberration is the second they lay eyes on you?
AH: It pays to advertise. And my laptop is so rotten with viruses picked up from porn sites I have a lot of trouble posting an ad on Craigslist anymore.
F&H: Did you vote for Hillary Clinton?
F&H: Even though she’s a war-mongering usurious power-grubber who chewed up your progressive pal Bernie Sanders and spit him out like a stale bagel and lox?
AH: If we are serious about creating a perpetual gynocracy, it is necessary to break a few eggs in order to make an omelette. Do you get the ovulation reference? I’m thinking about putting that on my new placard for next week’s demonstration. Also, all the hipsters on campus have taken to wearing variations of her hideous pantsuits as an ironic statement in support of their radical individuality. They’re so cool.
F&H: Because I can read you easier than I can a Dick and Jane primer, I am assuming you are fully in accordance with the SJW tactical policy of public chaos, including violence when you deem it necessary. How do you justify this? Did not your golden calves Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and John Lennon all advocate pacifistic resistance?
AH: There you go with your virtue signalling again, big boy! Who are you to sit in judgment on me, with your white skin and your unlimited data plan and your preconceived notions of right and wrong codified in centuries of English common law? What do you know of struggle?? I know struggle! Do you know how terrible it is to find a parking space around here??? I’ve had to fight and claw and strangle my way into the auditorium to see performance artist Gonzo X. X. Worthless before, and I still wasn’t in time to get a front row seat! Oh, I’ve lived, Bucky! I’m a regular Michael Brown, I is! So don’t expect me to complacently sit back and let the hate-filled bourgeoisie run roughshod over me! I have a RIGHT to throw ordure-filled condoms at their exclusionary backsides! I have a RIGHT to spit in the face of anyone who laughs at my Pussy Hat on the street! I have a RIGHT to saunter down the middle of the freeway bare-chested and livid! If that’s too much anarchy for you to handle, too bad! This is me, honey – take in the whole package, and love it!!!
F&H: You made my fillings buzz. Thank you very much. Any plans for the future?
AH: This summer, I have accepted an apprenticeship with Apologia Radio. The pay is non-existent, but we are allowed all the pizza and Dr. Pepper we can scarf, provided we afterwards allow Dr. Pittman to film us sprawled out on the couch humorously groaning about how we’re gonna hurl. If I ever feel like graduating, who can say what path awaits? Goldman Sachs? Staff writer on The View? Congress? Commandant of FEMA Dissident Camp #314B-07Q? The world is my oyster, and you can bet I’m gonna be swallowing it whole!
F&H: A class act to the very end. Any parting words of wisdom you would care to impart to our readers?
AH: Fight the power! My revolutionary credentials are impeccable! It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of our rival! Oh, and up yours, dad.
F&H: Well, Astarte, thank you very much for your time.
AH: Interview’s over. I prefer ‘thank unicorn very much for your time.’
F&H: Yes, of course.