In their noble quest to ulcerate their own innards before their time and to give the rest of us a severe case of bleeding ears, SJWs will overlook neither the most petty tidbit of popular culture nor the most basic semantic of the English language. We have received two jaw-dropping examples of such chutzpah recently. First, we were informed by the denizens of that world-renowned think tank Reed College of Portland, OR that Steve Martin’s 1970s keg party hit song ‘King Tut’ was a form of insidious ‘cultural appropriation’ that promotes ‘blackface’ because a sax player in the background of the video appears in a gold face mask. Irate that this piquant observation didn’t win them an immediate Nobel Peace Prize, they (or someone so similar as not to matter one whit) wrote an op-ed in a student paper (probably in crayon) proclaiming the entire non-urban outdoors racist because blacks have traditionally been denied access to such (uh, by who?), and the denizens of the forests have a decidedly Mark Trail complexion. Remember when obsessive nerds used to read Popular Mechanics and were handy with tools? Yeah, I know – that image is getting more than a little gray in its beard by now.
Yes, SJWs certainly do carry out their crusade with missionary zeal and feral stupidity. (‘Unpaid and ignorant moral arbiter’ is gonna look soooooo awesome on the resume!!!!) You could bundle a financial derivative based around their misguided angst, sell the package to Goldman Sachs, and retire comfortably to Aruba. So let’s put on our Prognosticator Caps and have a look at ten hateful shibboleths the Little Left That Could will be turning their frenzy onto next…if they haven’t already beaten me to the punch.
- The White Sea
What’s your problem?
Are we surprised that a malevolent homophobe and Klansman like Vladimir Putin would name such a major artery of the Arctic ocean after a horrible racial identitarian myth? Do you think President Hillary would have allowed this atrocity to stand??? Ha!! Plus, if you squint at it just right, it looks exactly like a swastika! That’s what my friend Chadley told me! Xe’s majoring in Angolan feminist art history, so xe would know!
What can we do to make it all better?
I’m sure there are billions of displaced indigenous Asiatics residing in squalor in Russia. Change the sea’s name to something aboriginal and unpronounceable, with lots of vowel sequences broken up by apostrophes. They’ll really appreciate such a sensitive gesture.
- Mean Joe Greene’s Coke commercial
What’s your problem?
Most patronizing ad EVER!!! Why isn’t he depicted taking a knee, like any self-respecting NFLer would do??? Instead, he takes a bottle of Coke handed to him by a WHITE kid. It’s completely totally obvious that the soda is analogous to cocaine, and the entire tableau represents the systemic bondage of Ebony to Ivory! Notice how Mr. Mean futilely resists the fascist kid before reluctantly giving in to temptation??? How come I’m the only one smart enough to notice this???
What can we do to make it all better?
Immediately send in a petition to someone powerful and nice, demanding that YouTube yank this video and re-edit it so that, at ad’s end, MJG throws the empty bottle at the privileged snot’s head instead of his towel. Gil Scott-Heron might have said the revolution will not be televised, but there were no NFL on Fox broadcasts back then.
- Differential Equations
What’s your problem?
I can’t even even, even! To paraphrase Clausewitz, mathematics are a continuation of politics by other means. How dare these Aryan algebraists suggest that differences automatically translate into equality! Or wait….am I for that? Who cares?? Math is hard!! What really grinds my gears is that so many of these problems are unsolvable. Translation: trying to shoehorn a burly man into a sleek chiffon dress is also unsolvable!! Dumb baby boomer and Gen-X mathematicians just aren’t trying hard enough, is all!!! I hope I’ve been very clear about how much this upsets me.
What can we do to make it all better?
Make it so that I can attend college for 16 years without having to take a single math course. My student debt load is beginning to resemble Puerto Rico’s, anyway.
- Michael J. Fox
What’s your problem?
I suppose Marty McFly thinks he has some sort of inherent right to be the poster child for Parkinson’s?? Just look at the big slab of disgusting Caucasian white bread, hogging all the limelight while the magnificent humanist Jesse Jackson struggles to break through the socially-constructed glass ceiling! Oooo!!! Neuropathic inequality makes me so mad I’m considering writing an obscene editorial for the campus newspaper!
What can we do to make it all better?
When Hollywood gets around to greenlighting the remake of Doc Hollywood, loudly announce that you are boycotting it. Preferably using a loudspeaker on a busy street corner.
- ‘Apache’, Jorgen Ingmann, 1961
What’s your problem?
What ISN’T my problem??? Can’t I look up vids on how to brew peyote tea Apache-style without having this cultural malapropism showing up on my ‘suggestions’ list??? It’s literally rape!!! Should I be surprised that a dastardly Dane expropriated a traditional native hymn for world peace for his own exploitative purposes?? 1961 was soooo racist! I’m glad real history didn’t begin until my own personal birth year!
What can we do to make it all better?
Commission Sky Ferreira to compose lyrics for this thing that transmogrifies it into a ballad of Geronimo butchering a white pioneer woman and wearing her lacerated heart for a hat. And if anyone complains about artistic integrity, call them Goebbels.
- The Lincoln Memorial
What’s your problem?
The most egregious example of manspreading ever depicted in sculpture! Other than that, it’s pretty cool.
What can we do to make it all better?
My history prof mentioned something of Lincoln’s called the Man Sit Patient Proclamation. Invoke it, that this statue might at least cross its legs!
- British Slang
What’s your problem?
Do my ears deceive me??? Do those island-dwelling troglodytes actually use the pejorative ‘fag’ to describe a boarding school servant AND a cigarette??? Isn’t the Trumpian agenda obvious – to equate homosexuality with bondage and ill health?!?!?!? Must…not…have…a…stroke…had…too…many…this…month…already. I need not research this any further! A pox on your talks, Limey bastards!!
What can we do to make it all better?
Force all those Brits to speak nothing but Asiatic languages like Arabic and Urdu! What’s that? They do already?? Hey, finally, a win!!! It’s good to be the king!!!
- Cool Whip
What’s your problem?
There is NOTHING cool about WHIPPINGS!!! Well, unless you’re two consenting adults or reasonable facsimiles thereof and you’re into that sort of thing…but I’m talking about SLAVERY, damn you!!! And big surprise…it’s a WHITE confectionary! You’re the reason I’m clinically obese, Nazi dessert topping!!!
What can we do to make it all better?
Put chocolate syrup on your pumpkin pie instead. And those cocoa beans better have been ethically sourced, or I’m coming to your house to celebrate Spanksgiving!!!
- The Apostle Paul
What’s your problem?
Let me count the ways: hostile to alternate lifestyles (Rom. 1:24-32, 1 Cor. 5:1-5). Condescendingly patriarchal (1 Cor. 14:34-35, 1 Tim. 2:11). Child abuser (1 Cor. 13:11-13, Gal. 4:1-3). Southerner (the epistle to Philemon). I rest my case, your honor. Oh, yeah: who did he think he was, anyway, discomfiting the Gentiles and their quaint traditions with his crypto-colonization tactics? And in every picture of him I’ve ever seen, he has a beard. Now I’m just scaring myself!
What can we do to make it all better?
Misconstrue Galatians 3:28 – ‘There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female’ – without the end qualifier: ‘for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.’ Huh?? You mean to tell me the modern church already does this? Doesn’t matter!! They’re still racist!!! An even better idea: dump Christianity altogether and instead embrace the polytheistic vulvacentric religion I created for my Ph.D dissertation in comparative anthropology.
- Social Justice Warriors
What’s your problem?
Seriously, I know these people are my compadres duking it out with me in the streets against the Brownshirts, but do they ever piss me off!!! That slut Tempest deliberately showed up at the rally sporting the same Chinese character neck tattoo I have, just to one-up me!!! Rashid swears up and down that he’s of mixed Sri Lankan-Tibetan lineage, but his cheap-ass brown contacts keep falling out, and I’ve seen the blue of his eyes before!!! Kai smells like feet!!! And if I have to hear Lourenco Marques say ‘Actually, I totally have more legit revolutionary cred than you, Tumblrina!’ again, I’m going to throw menstrual blood on somebody!!!
What can we do to make it all better?
Relocate me and my 37 bad-tempered cats to Neptune. Finally….a safe space that gives me some room to breathe!!!
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