NASHVILLE (AP) – In what they’re calling a “bold, historic” move, three Southern Baptist Convention leaders announced today that the denomination is changing its name to the Southern Poverty Baptist Convention. At a press conference, Rev. Albert Mohler, head of the denomination’s flagship seminary, Rev. Russell Moore, president of the church’s Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission, and Rev. Dwight McKissic, an influential black leader in the church, outlined the reasons for the change.
Rev. Mohler said the old name has “too much baggage.”
Frankly, the name “Southern Baptist Convention” these days evokes so much negativity that it was going to be a dead weight holding us back for generations to come. When people heard our old name, they associated us with slavery, racism, segregation, lynchings, and the Confederate flag. We’ve got to face reality – there’s just no other way to overcome the burden of our history. If we’re going to continue to be a culturally relevant witness to the Gospel, we have no choice but to take bold, historic action to completely repudiate our past.”
Rev. Moore concurred:
Look, let’s be honest – by and large, Southerners are hate-filled racists and homophobes. How many Southerners have ever shown up to support a Black Lives Matter protest? How many have ever attended a gay wedding reception? Most of these inbreds supported Donald Trump for president. It’s time to wash our hands of these losers and reach out to a new constituency. Not that everything associated with the South is bad; certainly some good things have come out of the South. I think of the lyrical beauty of William Faulkner, the narrative power of Harper Lee, and the unforgettable love scene in Deliverance. But, let’s face it, to most people these days, “Southern” means Mayberry, and Mayberry is the road to hell.
Rev. McKissic added:
I know dat’s right! Most Southerners so backward they even against reparations for slavery! How a man call hisself a Christian if he ain’t be for reparations???
Rev. Mohler:
Well said, Dwayne. Truly prophetic.
Rev. McKissic:
Rev. Mohler
We don’t make this move lightly. We’ve been praying about it for months, and we chose our new name with great care. We wanted to send the world a message that we’re a new kind of church, one they won’t be ashamed to attend.
Rev. Moore:
That’s exactly right. And we put a lot of thought into choosing a new name. My first choice was “Metropolitan Community Baptist Convention,” but we all agreed that that was too unwieldy. All three of us liked “Peoples Temple Baptist Convention”, but our lawyers said there were some serious trademark issues with that name.
Rev. McKissic:
I voted for “Black Lives Matter, Blue Lives Don’t Baptist Convention.”
Rev. Mohler:
And that would be a good name, and we may even reconsider it down the road. But we finally asked ourselves, “Is there one organization in America that, more than any other, truly embodies what it means to be faithful to the Gospel message?” Yes, there is – the Southern Poverty Law Center.
Rev. Moore:
The SPLC is the nation’s best known advocate of the basic Gospel message – that Jesus hates white people. For decades they’ve been leading the fight against white people, and the Lord has truly blessed them, and we want the world to know we’re fighting right alongside with them. Oh, sure, they’re maybe five or ten years ahead of us on the gay marriage thing, but that’s a minor issue compared to fighting racism. So we’ve made our choice, and our new name is the Southern Poverty Baptist Convention. From this day forward, all of America will know where we stand. Let this be our battle cry: “The sword of the Lord, and of Mark Potok!”
Rev. Mohler:
The name change isn’t official just yet, of course. It will have to be voted on at next year’s Annual Meeting. But that’s just a formality. If we get any pushback, Rev. McKissic will just get up and yell, “DAS RACISS!” and the cucks will fall in line. Isn’t that right, Donny?
Rev. McKissic:
KO LO DO BA SHANTA ONDA KA LA BA HO DAKA BABA BOOEY
In a related story, Rev. Tim LeCroy and Rev. Duke Kwon, two prominent ministers of the Presbyterian Church in America, which is informally known as the PCA, announced that their church is changing its name to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Church in America, or the NAACPCA.
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